If everything I told you was a lie would you believe the truth?

It's all a facade. Everything’s falling to pieces around me. My idol, the only member of my family I connect with, look up to, love deeply is falling to pieces and at a time where I the new found adult can't cope with my own issues.

How could you have mistreated him like this? His mother didn't approve and yet you went and stayed with her too, do you find him that much an embarrassment? A disgrace, what is he your dirty little secret? It sickens me because I love you too. What's worse is I can see reasons you might, but haven't yet claimed as excuses. He loves you so much it's eating him alive. My rock, reduced to tears and muffled sobs. If he becomes like this... I have no chance. I looked up to you. To the both of you, you were my inspiration on what a successful relationship was. It's all been a lie. The last five years a lie. It can't be a lie. It just can't. If it was a lie, when you cuddled me and told me it was ok to tell the truth was a lie, but I live by that code, I just want to understand. I just want you to explain to him, we never have to know ... just explain to him that he's not your dirty little secret. That you love him. You must love him. How can you defy the wishes of a majority of the nation, but then not tell your own family? I was there at the wedding. I was a witness for christ's sake. I was to be your whatchacallit girl in no more than 18 months. The offical one for you two, because that was YOUR wish YOUR religion. He gave up his belief for you, defied his church, his family, everything he knew for you. But you can't tell your family? Are they fools? He was not your first relationship. I pray god he be your last. That you sort things out, that your love prevails because right now, I need your example again. I need my uncle by my side cuddling me and telling me it's alright because i'm aching ... i'm slowly dying inside and your the only one I feel I can tell about it. I'm so scared. Terrified in fact.

Reality sucks doesn't it? When you think things are right it turns around and doesn't just knock you while your down, it keeps you down. I'm overcoming personal demons, i'm overcoming demons in my relationship. I'm overcoming friend's demons. I can't deal with yours to, because I always thought you were supposed to deal with mine. Does that make me selfish? A scared little girl lost on the brink of oblivion staring into the eternal abyss of life and seeing only the dark voids of pain and suffering and the agonising torment. I'm so sad. This happy face I plough the world to is an illusion of sophisticated nature. I'm hoping one day i'll wake up and it'll be so complete even I myself will believe it. That I will no longer be that sad child crying herself to sleep, rocking herself in a need of love. Love denied me just as it has been denied to those before me. I will no longer look longingly at things I have to accept I can never have ... Will never have. I will no longer be torn about what I should do, what is best for other's aswell as myself. Is there a possible win/win situation going on? No. In truth I don't think there is. Loose him, or deny him his child. That is what it will be. I'm to immature to do either. It eats me, to my very core so much so that lately i'm known for hysteria, perhaps this is what it's like to be tested. If so, can I pass? Lately it seems that's all I can do is pass. If so a pass would be the loss of everything, but staying alive seems such a mediocre option. That's when you know your depressed when you say and say and think so much that you can't even convince yourself of a happier way out of things. I want to run. Run so fast and so hard that the tears I can't stop will become a blur to the universe and i'll pass through time to where everything is right. When everyone can win and this undeniable guilt that possess my heart like a black tar blanket will no longer be there, and I'll one again be that sweet, innocent, joyous child that I can invision in my mind but when I attempt to become am blocked by society.

Confused. I'm just so confused. Perhaps it was not meant to be, but then, how can it not after all i've already been through? You knew. I knew. I think even she knew. She gave you to me, and in that sense she won. She won because she loves you more. But she doesn't. I love you more she just has what I want with you, you both see it as a curse, as a terrible mistake and it kills me. You don't know how lucky you are. She doesn't know how lucky she is, having something I crave so much to make me whole. To have an extended piece of myself that I can call my own, something you crave do you not? You must crave it, otherwise the look you hold wouldn't be so painful for me to watch. I love you so much I ache at the very thought of you. I haven't lost it, it grows and it grows but it's growing stronger and causing me more heartache because It can't be the four of us. There can only be three and I feel I'm the fourth. I'm the odd one out. It's me that has to go.

I'm struggling through life, its emotional termoil. Its nessicary heartache and despair. But for now i'm still alive. I just needed to get my feelings down and so I apologise for the length of this, if anything above has offended or upset you in anyway, I apologise sincerly. I mean to hurt, or upset no-one, merely make my self feel a little better, lift back the mask of truth. Hold on to what little I have left. I wish I could heal my uncle's problems more than my own. He's to much of a good person to have to suffer so much.

Doccy xxx.